Luka,

It's been a few days since I've written little buddy but we've been super busy trying to get things packed and playing outside because it's too darned hot in the apartment.

You're getting super strong! I can feel you kicking even more and Daddy has even seen my belly wiggling. :) Last night, Daddy stuck his finger in my belly button (I dislike that greatly) but then I felt you lingering around my belly button too! :) It was pretty neat!

So a lady asked me today why I chose not to abort you. Well, why would I? My precious Luka, you are a human being and deserve every chance at life. There is a reason you are here. I swear part of that reason is to teach Daddy some humility because he can be quite mean to people who have problems that they can't help. Don't tell him I said that though. He'll get all mad and stuff. :-P But seriously, you have a purpose. You are my miracle and there is no way ever I could just throw you away over something like this. Regardless of whether your time on Earth is 1 day, 1 year or 100 years, I am going to cherish every moment I get with you and your older brothers.

Well little buddy. It's bedtime! Good night!

Mommy loves you!
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LUCKY Luka...

Dude. You're in a swimming pool. I'm swimming in sweat. It's so hot out and has been these last few days, I feel like I am suffocating. I was pregnant with your brothers in the summer too...And it was hot back in 2001 and 2010. Seriously. This year has been ridiculous too. I've spent a lot of time soaking up the air conditioner and the fan. Zephyr's a goof and keeps shutting the fan off in the living room. Drives me nuts!!! He thinks it's funny. :)

Makes me wonder...Will you look just like Z? Will you look like me more or Daddy? Will you be silly just like your brothers and your Daddy or will you be like your Momma...Always yelling at the dudes to stop torturing one another? I can't wait to meet you!!

Mommy's falling asleep but I wanted to let you know I feel you wiggling around in my tummy and that I love you!

Love,
Mom <3
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My Little Man,

Mommy is sooooooooo happy today! Our insurance will cover us for Philly! You'll be in the number 2 hospital in the country for your surgery! How awesome is that? They have birthing rooms in the hospital so I can have you IN Children's Hospital of Philadelphia and recover down the hall from you! :)

We were supposed to go to Philadelphia on Thursday but we don't have the money to get there. We'll make it out there soon though, Buddy. Don't you worry! Mommy and Daddy will take good care of you and so will the doctors.

This morning, we went to Pink Champagne Cupcakery, Z and I, and we each got a cupcake and a drink. :) The lady prayed with us. You got so many people rooting for you dudester! Even those that don't know us.

We got Ashton's school thing figured out so when you are born, the family won't have to be split up.

***** Mommy and Daddy were running around doing some shopping so I had to take a break. *****

We got the call! June 10th we are outta here for the night and headed to Philly for another echo on the 11th! :) I can't wait to meet the team that is going to be a major part of our lives when you're born.

From what I gather, we are going to 'relocate' to Philly before you arrive. Also, CHOP has a birthing wing in their hospital especially for babies with birth defects. (Mommy hates that term. You don't have a defect, you are perfect the way you are!) This way, when you are born, you won't go to a different hospital. If I'd have had you at Magee's, you'd have been transferred to CHP and I'd have to stay behind. No way dude. Momma don't like that idea one bit! I want to be with you as much as possible!

*whew* Mommas sleepy. All this heat is making me tired. Today, it was like 86 degrees. Way to hot for this Momma. So I'm gonna get a bath and go to bed.

Sleep tight Little Luka!

Love,
Mom
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Lucky Little Luka,

So, Mommy went into panic mode this morning for a bit. Sorry about that buddy. But I got linked up to the statistics of Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh and learned that their survival rate for babies after the Norwood, the first surgery, is low. Mommy can't have a hospital like that taking care of her precious little miracle boy. So I looked and found that Children's of Philly and the Children's in Boston are the highest ranked. So, I got the phone numbers for both hospitals and I'm calling tomorrow morning and getting you set up with the best darn surgical team I can. Nothing will stop me from fighting for you. Nothing at all. You are so very special and important and mean so much to your brothers, Daddy and I.

We are working our butts off on the house. It will be done soon so we'll have a nice place for you to come home to after you have your surgeries. I can't wait! Nice big house. Lots of memories for us to make. :)

Now, after all your surgeries, you'll have scars. But don't hate them, ok? Those scars mean you're a warrior. :) It means you're tough and you kicked the crap out of HLHS.

We decided your full name will be Luka Ray Thomas McDonald...But I think I'm gonna find a different name than Thomas. You need a middle name that means something like warrior or fighter or strong. :) Ray is your Daddy's middle name. Thomas was my Grandpa's name...But you need something more special. I'm gonna look now. Maybe Daddy and I can agree on something. :)

Love you Luka!

Love,
Mommy

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My Lovely Luka,

So yesterday was rough for Daddy. He went to the gym, like he does every day (don't worry, you'll go to the gym and get big and strong like Daddy too someday) and the 'building manager' was down there. Wayne's just the dude who does Al the landlord's dirty work basically. Well, Wayne asked Daddy about you. Daddy explained your heart problem to him then Wayne said he had to give us an eviction notice. It's such crap. But at the same time, we have a nice big house down the street that will be safer for you to live in than this building. People don't care around here. The roof leaks, people smoke in the hallways...You can't be around smoke. No way. But anyway...Daddy was upset Wayne said anything about the eviction notice so he put his fist down on the table and the glass top shattered. It took me talking the landlord and Wayne down so they wouldn't call the cops. We sure don't need Daddy going to jail..But we also don't need anymore people trying to stress us out. We've been through a ton already.

Luka baby, keep on fighting. I definitely feel you kicking the crap out of me. So I know you're tough. <3

Talk to ya tomorrow Buddy!!

Love,
Mommy
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Little Luka,

I love you. We ALL love you! We've never met you but you have made a profound impact on so many already. Mommy heard so many stories of encouragement and how the Level 2 ultrasounds and echos scare the crap out of Mommas and Daddy's for no reason. I wanted to believe they were right. That us needing this ultrasound and echo was a mistake. That Dr. Sherman would tell us you were fine. That isn't the news we got. We got heartbreak. Devastation. Pain.

But it's all ok now. You are gonna pull through whatever it is that happens. Too many people love you to let you pass. Their prayers and thoughts will lift you up and our thoughts and prayers will guide those surgeons hands in helping to heal your little heart. You're gonna make it.

We have a long road ahead of us once you arrive, Luka. Show those doctors what a tough guy you are. Show them that your heart is gonna work just great after the surgeries. Come home safe so we can laugh and play and swim and run and jump and swing and have tickle fights.

All our love,
Mom, Dad, Ashton and Zephyr
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Holding On...

I'm losing it. I was hoping to make it home but I had to stop and cry. I've never been so fucking scared in my life. Tell me he has Down Syndrome. Tell me one of his kidneys doesn't work right. Tell me he's missing a fucking arm. But his heart??? What the fuck? He NEEDS his heart to stay alive! We don't even know if anything is wrong but the thought that something MIGHT be wrong is gut wrenching.

I walked into that ultrasound happy as hell yesterday to see my perfect little man. The baby we PLANNED! He wasn't an oopsie like Z. I peed on sticks to get a smiley face so I KNEW when to get it on. (LOL!) I left with uncertainty and fear.

Tomorrow morning, I will walk into that hospital with faith that everything is ok. My little dude is tough. He's so very wanted and already loved so so much. Nothing is wrong. The what ifs are definitely there and if something is wrong, we will deal with it. Shawn and I got this. :)

I hadn't planned any interventions this time. Luka was going to be born at home. He will be still if all is well with him. If not, I will make sure I have the best damn doctors taking care of my son. I will stop at nothing to ensure Luka's health and safety.


***Written the night before we got the news. Funny how things change, huh?***

Luka, we still love ya buddy. You'll get through this. <3
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Hypoplas....Huh???

Today our biggest fears were confirmed.  Luka has a Congenital Heart Defect.  It's called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.  I'm still learning so here's a website about it.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002096/

Yeah.  It's pretty fucking serious...And yeah...I'm pretty fucking shattered.  It hurts.  Really bad.  I'm scouring the internet, especially Facebook, for families that have HLHS kids.  I want to know everything there is to know about my son's heart defect before he is born...I want to understand what the fuck is going on.  My little bitty man is safe swimming in my belly.  As soon as he's born, shit gets bad for him.  He's in there, happy as can be, totally unaware he has a heart problem.  He doesn't understand that as soon as he is born, he will endure a world of medicines, surgeries and strangers touching him...I won't get to hold my son when he is born.  He will be taken away from me and instantly started on medication to stabilize him.  This isn't fair.  It isn't supposed to be like this.  WE PLANNED this little dude.  We wanted him before he was even created. 

Luka Ray Thomas McDonald, you better pull through. 

Mommy, Daddy, Ashton and Zephyr all love you very much.  Stay safe sweety. 

Dearest Little Luka,

I feel you in there...Wiggling. I know you're gonna be ok. I do break down here and there when I think of the way things happened yesterday but Mommy's being strong for you. Daddy is being my rock. I couldn't make it through today if it weren't for his silly antics. You're gonna love him. Your big brothers sure do. :)

You're so strong. For being such a tiny guy, your kicks are fierce. That's how I know you're gonna be ok.

So listen...I need you to show those doctors tomorrow that you are perfect. That there is nothing wrong with your heart. Show them your heart like you showed off your wee-wee yesterday and we'll be good to go. Lol! You're apparently proud of the fact that you're a boy. That's ok. Mommy is too. That smoothie and muffin from Krysten tasted awesome, didn't they?

I'll see you tomorrow, Luka. Just remember to show us what we need to see so we can put this nightmare behind us.

We love you very much!

Love,
Mommy

Dear Luka,

First off, I want to say I love you. I always have ever since that first positive pregnancy test. You are such a wonderful and welcome addition to this family. Ashton, Zephyr, Daddy and I are all so very happy you're alive.

But, Baby Boy, please...Make sure the Doctors see that you are perfect on Thursday. No being a lazy bones. Today crushed me. To hear Miss Cheryl the midwife tell me that she wanted a level 2 ultrasound and an echo done as soon as possible...Well, it broke my heart. When she told me that she wasn't sure your little heart was perfect, I felt helpless. All I could mutter was 'What's wrong with my baby' before I lost it. I wanted to scream.

Luka, hearing you had Down Syndrome or one kidney or were missing some fingers, toes...Hell, even an arm or leg missing would be ok. But your heart? The one thing that your life depends on may be malfunctioning? It can't be. We heard it beating. It sounded perfect. Please just let it be that you're a silly little lazy nugget. Mommy, Daddy and your brothers don't want anything to go wrong. We are excited to have you in our lives. We love you.

See you on Thursday little man.

Mommy
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Life Is A Journey...Don't Go Through It Alone.

I'm finally back on the blogging bandwagon. It's been almost a year...I feel it's necessary to express my opinions. Note: These are OPINIONS. This is how I feel, not how I expect you to feel.

How can a circle of friends who were so alike growing up or before having children, totally turn against one another once they become Mothers? I've been seeing this so much lately. I've said it before. We all do what we feel is best for our children, even if others don't agree. Why do we bash one another for our difference instead of embrace them? Why have we all suddenly become strangers?

I have friends from all walks of life and areas. From down the hall, to down the street, to across the country and even oceans apart. Some formula feed. Some breastfeed. Some do both. Some aren't Mothers yet. Some vaccinate. Some don't. Some cloth diaper. Some use disposables. Some use both. Some have babies in hospitals. Some have babies at home. Some have a baby in their car on the way to the hospital. What the point here is, we are all different. No matter what we do. Instead of losing friendships because you don't agree with something the other person does, embrace their decision and educate yourself on their point of view. It makes for an interesting discussion if you can be an adult and keep a level head. Some women are very passionate about their beliefs and that is fine...But don't sit here and try to cut down someone you call a friend because they want to do things differently than you would.

So here is something that pisses me off: Hospital vs. Home birth Debates. Just because one woman died while giving birth at home, does not automatically make home birthing deadly. In fact, the woman that died (this was in Melbourne, Australia by the way) actually died IN THE HOSPITAL the DAY AFTER giving birth. She went into cardiac arrest and despite efforts to save her, she lost her life. Here's the link:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2094348/Caroline-Lovell-Home-birth-advocate-dies-delivering-baby-daughter-home.html

Now, the sad reality of it all is that women die giving birth in hospitals all the time. Women die a lot less in home births because in a typical situation, Mom and baby are both in good health and the pregnancy has had no complications. A midwife won't knowingly risk her license by taking on a woman with known health issues that could be detrimental to Mother and child. Women die in hospitals more because of interventions. Inductions, pitocin, epidurals, cesarean sections, etc. The list goes on. Those interventions can have consequences. High blood pressure, higher risk of excessive bleeding, blood clotting, death. Doctors treat birth as though it's a condition that needs helped rather than a natural process. Hospitals didn't exist long ago. Children were typically born at home. And they survived just fine. Someone, somewhere decided that babies needed to be born in hospitals. Giving birth was now an emergency. And it isn't. Typically.

To shame a mother who decides to give birth at home is just ridiculous. When we PLAN a home birth, we do our homework. It isn't like we decide doctors are the devil and we're gonna give birth secretly in our home and hide it like a prom night dumpster baby. (I hate that term but some pro-hospital people make me feel as though this is the equivalent of what I'm doing.) I looked at my options and decided giving birth in my home is what's best for me with my third child.

Some background on my previous two births.

Ashton was born at Butler Memorial Hospital on September 6, 2001. He was delivered by Dr. Byers. Good doc. Seriously. Big ol' black dude with HUGE hands but a good guy just the same. I was allowed to roam freely for a bit. I was in the shower, used the birthing ball, was on my hands and knees. That part wasn't so bad. I requested the epidural because I was in a lot of pain. Especially because they gave me pitocin to speed up my contractions and make them more intense. I was also exhausted. I didn't know back then that I had any other option. I felt giving birth in a hospital with pain relief was just what people did. That's what they're there for, right? To help you give birth comfortably. Now, with Ashton, I wanted to breastfeed but I was scared. I was 19, I had no knowledge or support. I tried one time to get Ashton to latch on when I was at home and became engorged. It hurt so bad...But I just figured I'd dry up in a few days, like my Mom said. And he was formula fed. And vaccinated. I vaccinated him on schedule. He was also circumcised, just as I thought everyone did. I did zero research because 10 years ago, I didn't have the ability to look up everything I've learned over the last 2 years. Because of my lack of education back then, I have no doubt in my mind that Ashton's Asperger's, PTSD and OCD are somewhat caused by vaccines and in large part by the abuse he watched and endured at the hands of his biological Father.

Fast forward 9 years to November 10, 2010. I give birth to a healthy 7 pound baby at UPMC Seneca. He was 3 weeks early according to the doctors. I am sure he was too but that isn't the point here. My water broke late afternoon November 9th. I was scared out of my mind because I was worried him being early might be bad. So off we went to the hospital, mistake #1. I wasn't having contractions when I got there so the first thing they did was administer pitocin. They completely ignored my birth plan and made me lay in a bed, strapped to machines. As the pitocin was starting to take effect, knowing that pitocin makes contractions more intense, I agreed to an epidural. I was scared shitless. My baby boy was coming 3 weeks early. Mistake #2 was being scared. I wasn't allowed food at the hospital. I went from 6pm until almost 11am with nothing but ice chips. I wasn't allowed to move. I laid there, on my back, unable to sleep. All.Night.Long.

And now the #2 thing that bothers me. Breastfeeding debates.

Shawn told me when we got together and started discussing kids that he wanted his kids to be born naturally. No shots, born in the woods essentially and breastfed. I'd known nothing other than hospital births because that's all you see on TV. I agreed to try breastfeeding but was unsure if I could because I failed with Ashton.

Zephyr got the HepB shot at birth against my wishes because they took him from me to get APGAR scores and to clean him up. I almost wanted him to have shots because I was afraid he'd catch something and die. I'd spent more time researching breastfeeding because I knew I'd do that. I figured a doctor would know what to do about the shots.

The nurses bring Z to me and tell me it's time to nurse or they have to give him sugar water because he's hungry. I had no clue how to get him to latch on so I allowed the sugar water but asked for a pump. I wanted to make sure I was making milk. They wheel a pump into my room. I'd never seen a breast pump prior to that day so I had no clue what the hell to do. And no one wanted to help. No one told me milk doesn't come in until day 3-4. No one told me that he wouldn't eat much. No one told me he would be better at getting milk out than a pump. So I tried pumping, got nothing. Kept at it. Meanwhile, Z kept getting formula. We go home and I'm sent on my way with a hand pump. That thing was shit. It made my hand hurt. I was pumping and crying constantly. Pumping because my baby needed fed, crying because my hand hurt so bad. Because of the kindness of friends, Danya gave me her pump. A double electric pump. It was heaven. But I still wasn't keeping Z happy with my little output of milk. We topped him off with formula. There were nights when I'd make sure Shawn was out cold, skip pumping and give Z formula because it was easier. I was failing. Miserably. All I wanted was for my boobs to work so they could feed my son. I called WIC, crying because I wanted to give up. Shawn and I were arguing, Z was crying, everyone was tired...I'd had enough. Finally, I held a screaming baby in my arms, closed my eyes and let Z do the work. He found his way to my breast and latched on like a pro. I was feeding my baby. He suckled for HOURS! I was proud. So was Shawn. We'd did it, Z and I. We'd established a breastfeeding relationship. He was 6 weeks old.

We are 18 months into his life and he still nurses. He rarely gets sick. He's happy and independent. He shares and plays well with other children. He's very explorative and just all around amazing. He shows no signs of stopping anytime soon. And that's fine by me. What pisses me off is when people, especially my own Mother, make comments about like 'He's too old for that' or 'He's gonna be on your boob until college' or 'When he has teeth, you should wean him' or my favorite 'When he starts asking for it, it's time to cut him off'.

#1. He's not too old. The World Health Organization (WHO) recommends breastfeeding for 2 years and beyond so long as mother and child mutually desire.
http://www.who.int/topics/breastfeeding/en/

#2. The natural weaning age is between 2 and 7 years. He will definitely not be on the boob until college.

#3. He got teeth at 5 months. Should I have stopped especially when breast milk is the only food recommended until baby is at least 6 months of age and even then, it's only for fun until the age of 1? Um. No.

#4. Babies as for breast milk from birth. Their only form of communication is crying. That is how they ask for milk. My 18 month old doesn't exactly speak a lot, but he does cry in the middle of the night to nurse and he tugs at my shirt when he wants to nurse during the day. He eats plenty of regular solid foods but he gets comfort and still gets tons of nutrients from my milk.

Some folks argue that we wouldn't want to see a 3 year old with a bottle of formula, why is it appropriate for a 3 year old to breastfeed? Here's a simple answer. Formula is a food supplement. It isn't like breast milk at all. My milk changes over time to meet Z's needs. Formula, it always stays the same, sitting on a shelf in it's liquid or powder form.

I've been working on this for nearly 6 hours now. I'm tired. My fingers are weak. But I am going to quickly say a few more things before I go and save the rest of what's on my chest for a rainy day.

You aren't less of a parent because you vaccinate, formula feed, use disposable diapers, or put your child to sleep in a crib. You aren't less of a woman because you deliver in a hospital with drugs or have an emergency c-section.

You aren't Supermom because you don't vaccinate, breastfeed for 4,658 months, use cloth diapers and co-sleep until Junior is off to college. You aren't Superwoman because you pushed that breech baby out at home after 6 months of hard labor.

Stop the Mommy wars! And stop trying to scare everyone into what you believe!

I'll be back later with more. Until then...Love the hell out of those babies. They're only small for a short time.
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