Watch What You Say...

I've heard a laundry list of questions about Luka's heart defect. For the most part, people are genuinely curious about his surgeries, what Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome means, what this means for Luka's future. There are questions though, that hurt. The one "What were you doing that caused his heart condition?", implying that perhaps I did something wrong to cause this. Some days, I respond with " It just happens" and in one instance, I said "Oh...You know, heroin."

Luka was planned. My final child. The one I was going to give birth to at home. I was on Zoloft as was Shawn. And just after I got my positive pregnancy test, I got a stomach bug that had me puking so hard that I was bleeding and I lost 5 pounds. Extremely dehydrated, I went to the ER and was given Zofran and IV fluids. I was told by doctors that these medicines were safe. And against my better judgment, I continued to take the Zofran because being able to keep food and liquid in my body trumped the idea of barfing my brains out. Puking freaks me out. And I refused to do it. I did quit the Zoloft though because I just didn't feel I needed it. I wasn't depressed. I was excited. I was growing another life.

If you are curious as to how Luka's heart condition happened, instead of asking "What were you doing to cause that?", ask it a different way. For instance, " Do doctors know why Luka has HLHS?", "Is there anything that causes this heart condition?"...Or not asking or assuming works too. Watch what you say and if you can't say anything nice, just keep it to yourself. I know people are curious but have some compassion. The world is severely lacking in decency.

Luka is growing. He is big and strong. And just so stinkin' adorable! He goes in for a heart cath next week to gear him up for his Fontan next month. The Fontan is the final stage of the 3 surgery repair for Luka's HLHS. My nerves are shot. I just don't want to hand my baby off for yet another surgery. I feel like I am betraying his tiny trust. I just hope he knows I love him so much. This isn't to hurt him. It's to give him the best chance at life.

Luka, Mommy loves you so much. I hope you know that. <3