Learning Curve

Dear Little Luka,

It has been a long time since I have updated this blog. While I feel bad that I haven't kept up with it, I know that it is because I have been busy chasing you and your brothers around. You are 14 months old now...And the center of my world along with Zephyr and Ashton. You three mean so much to me. 

You've kicked some serious butt, dude. Two open heart surgeries and a heart cath and you are doing everything you should be doing at your age. 

A lot has happened since I posted last. You came home, you grew...Quick! Your Meemaw got sick...Again...And on September 4th, two days before Ashton turned 12 and 25 days before you turned 1, she passed away. That hit me like a ton of bricks. It was unexpected. Your Lala and I were talking about plans to have her come home even though we knew it would be a while still...and then I got the call that I dreaded. That my mom, my best friend...was gone. I'm still learning to cope with it. And it is so very hard. There are days I can deal...And days when I just cry an cry until there aren't any tears left. And then I cry some more. I miss her so damn much, Luka. So much that it hurts. I want to call her. To hear her voice...But I won't get to ever again. All I have is memories. And the closer it gets to Christmas, the more I ache to just see her face one more time. She loved Christmas. And I didn't get to spend Christmas 2012 with her because I was with you. She knew I wanted to be with her but that you were my priority. I never expected that the first Christmas that you got to spend at home, would be the first Christmas I'd have to spend without her. 

But dude! You made it! You have defied the odds and made it past your first birthday. A lot of HLHS babies aren't so lucky. 

Because of you, I have made so many friends. Met a lot of new people. Said goodbye to a lot of toxic people that I had in my life...Because I want to be a better person for you and your brothers. 

This summer, we will be busy with you. Your cardiologist has given us the word that in May, you will have another echo of your heart. Then in July, you will have another heart cath. In August, you are going to be going in for surgery number three. This third surgery is called the Fontan. I'm not gonna lie, I haven't even researched it at all. I will closer to your surgery.  Right now, my main focus is to watch you grow and learn. 

Thank you for being such a strong and amazing fighter. As the saying goes...Some people never get to meet their heroes, well...I gave birth to mine. My Lucky Luka. 

Well Luka,

It has been a year since our ultrasound where we learned you were a Luka and not a Lillian. I KNEW it. I told your Daddy you were a boy. I won. I told everyone you were a boy. I got a muffin and a smoothie as part of a bet. Krysten bought you a onesie and we agreed that boys had a crappy selection to choose from. But all of those things were just to ease my mind. I was devastated. One year ago today, we got our ultrasound that started our HLHS adventure.

Today, you are an amazing 7 month old baby boy. You are meeting and beating expectations. You are everything the doctors weren't sure you'd be. You are fully bottle fed donated breast milk from some seriously amazing mommas. You are rolling over and scooting and babbling. Luka, it isn't you who is the lucky one. I am the lucky one to have such an amazing miracle in my life.

You flew through your second surgery and came home for the first time when you were 15 weeks old. I will say though, after your Glenn, seeing you in pain, I questioned whether or not I was doing the right thing. I wondered if it was right to make you suffer through that pain. But here we are, home...And you are thriving...And I know I made the right choice.

You amaze me with your spunk, determination, love for everyone. Despite what you have been through, you are the happiest baby that I have ever seen...And that is saying a lot because Zephyr was a really happy baby too. You have a smile for everyone and it is contagious. You have defied the odds...Luka...You are my hero. You and your brothers and Daddy make my life have purpose. And I will always love you.

Thank you for being such a fighter.