Four Days and Open House

Luka,

Tonight was open house for Ashton. It's when we go to the school and meet the teachers and see the kiddos classrooms. Someday,  we'll go to your open houses too. The teachers just love your brother. They said such nice things about him. But then their faces turned to curiosity...almost sadness...because It's obvious I'm VERY pregnant. And they already know about your tiny heart. They don't know what to say or how to react...They just ask how I'm feeling. I just smile and say 'tired'... Because that is the honest truth. Mommy is tired. I spare the details about how I'm falling apart. I choke back tears because this is it. This is the last weekend I'll be pregnant. Friday, Saturday, Sunday and then I wait for the call on Monday...And then you'll be here. Ready or not...

I might make another entry before you come...But I'm gonna do what I can to get this house rearranged and ready for us to leave. Just know that I love you so much and I know you're gonna fight this. You're gonna do great...so we can go to open houses. :)

Nine Days...

Well little dude...Just nine more days until our scheduled induction date. Nine more days until we see your face. Part of me hopes It's sooner that YOU decide to come. I want you to pick your birthday.

I've agonized over this time. I've gotten excited about this time. I have laughed. I have cried. I've been happy. I've been sad. I've had a rollercoaster of emotions flood over me. I wish you were healthy. I'm glad you're my special baby. I just do not know what is the right way to feel.

Regardless of what the outcome is, just know that you are so loved by your Mommy, Daddy, brothers, other relatives and even strangers. People I have never had the chance to meet in real life are praying for you. I do hope to meet some of these amazing folks who have still stuck by me though my views are not the same as theirs.

Luka...I want you to know that you are so important to me. So special. This pregnancy...you...have taught me so much. Because of you, I am kinder. I appreciate life more. I slow down and see the beauty in life. And I realize every person is amazing. No matter what, I try not to judge anyone that seems different because I don't know what they've been through to become who they are today. 

I'm as ready as I'm gonna be. So come on Luka...Let's do this.

Little Luka,

You are little...That's a problem. They are saying you are about 6 pounds 6 ounces  and while that seems good, apparently it isn't big enough. Mommy was scared yesterday at the doctor appointment because the doctor was talking about how you aren't growing in my belly the way you should and that while my chosen date of October 1st is reasonable to be induced, they want to really monitor you closely because if you aren't responding well to being in my belly, they want you out immediately so they can make sure you are healthy enough for surgery. This makes me sad. It makes me feel like my body is failing. My body couldn't make a healthy baby and It can't grow a sick baby the right way. I'm really upset with myself right now. Yeah...this has definitely been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. Especially lately because we are so close to meeting you.

I was gonna keep updating this blog for you after you are born. I still am...But I'm gonna be extra careful about how I do things. You see Luka, the world is full of not so good people who like to use stories like ours to make money for themselves. People are stealing stories and photos of other sick babies and asking for money and other things. I don't want anyone stealing your pictures or your story so instead of showing the world what a little warrior you are, I'm going to keep your journey fairly private and only allow trusted friends and family to share these times with us. It is my job to protect you and part of that includes making sure no one uses you and your amazing journey for their greed. It's so sad I can't share your story with the world. I wanted people to understand HLHS and CHD's and now, I just can't bring myself to allow people into our lives for fear they will use you. You don't deserve that.

I got to see Karen...She is the lady that caught your tiny heart. She was devastated and wondered how things turned out so when I went to the office for a Non Stress Test, she and I hugged and cried together. She is one of the most sweet ladies. And when you are born, I am gonna take pictures of you up for her to see. I'm also gonna keep her updated on your journey. If It weren't for her then we'd have never known your heart was tiny.

Well baby boy...We will see you VERY soon. I love you so so very much. Keep fighting little dude.

Here is a picture of your adorable face. You look JUST LIKE your brother Zephyr. So handsome.