I'm losing it. I was hoping to make it home but I had to stop and cry. I've never been so fucking scared in my life. Tell me he has Down Syndrome. Tell me one of his kidneys doesn't work right. Tell me he's missing a fucking arm. But his heart??? What the fuck? He NEEDS his heart to stay alive! We don't even know if anything is wrong but the thought that something MIGHT be wrong is gut wrenching.
I walked into that ultrasound happy as hell yesterday to see my perfect little man. The baby we PLANNED! He wasn't an oopsie like Z. I peed on sticks to get a smiley face so I KNEW when to get it on. (LOL!) I left with uncertainty and fear.
Tomorrow morning, I will walk into that hospital with faith that everything is ok. My little dude is tough. He's so very wanted and already loved so so much. Nothing is wrong. The what ifs are definitely there and if something is wrong, we will deal with it. Shawn and I got this. :)
I hadn't planned any interventions this time. Luka was going to be born at home. He will be still if all is well with him. If not, I will make sure I have the best damn doctors taking care of my son. I will stop at nothing to ensure Luka's health and safety.
***Written the night before we got the news. Funny how things change, huh?***
Luka, we still love ya buddy. You'll get through this. <3
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
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